why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
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You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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