I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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