glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
