The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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