i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
