I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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