I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
