it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
