I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
