I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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