My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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