I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
MIDGETS
????
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
