Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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