So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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