I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
