I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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