If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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