I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
