turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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