its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
