I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
