she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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