i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
