i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
