i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
