Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
