I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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