Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
