Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
