You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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