Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
