Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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