I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
