my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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