Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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