Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
