Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
