seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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