Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
