You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
