I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
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I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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