u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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