I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
