all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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