Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
