Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I faked an abortion last night.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
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Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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