We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it's like iHOP with fire
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
