i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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