I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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