does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She said her name was "party"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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