the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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