My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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