Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
