im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
