Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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