Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
of course. lets lasso hookers.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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