last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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