I'm so fucking centered right now
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
